Sometimes she wonders if the cause of her anger is coming from inside her or from outside. Maybe she is just pissed off because so much has been taken from her by this ugly monster she so desperately deals with every long sleepless night and every exhausted day of her life now, this horrible “MONSTER” has helped or the main reason she has lost her career, her money, hobbies, happiness, friends, loved ones. Or maybe she angered because this “MONSTER” has been thrust on her and not on someone else? Now following this anger induced, irrational line of reasoning to its natural conclusion, who would she pick to give it to, this painful monster? Let’s see maybe every person who suffers with chronic pain could all put our pain in a very large container and deliver it to all the piece of crap terrorists in the world, child molesters, rapists, murders. Delivering this pain to them would just make them more frightening and more vicious and if not already FULL OF ANGER! What if we were that easy to rid herself of this pain…crying. Aw if only anything in life was that simple…
She has tried it all, physical therapy, water therapy, pain management doctors, alcohol dependency, getting her medical marijuana card, and it seems like every effin drug made for this disease to no avail, some help the pain but then she feels like she wants to just be gone, take a step off a pier, screwing with her emotional well being more than the pain did. She is now on another “NEW” med, she stopped taking it two days ago, the headaches added to her already frustrated Monster was too much, now back on her handful of pills that help if only for a few hours a day at least there is some relief.
Unfortunately, her pain plagues her via her DNA. Her being upset or violently angry is all part of the package, she has learned over the years to recycle it into something positive but not always especially when it comes between her and the people she loves, today her Daddy, it her anger and pain which can distract her mind and often steals her clear thinking even with the most simplest tasks as concentrating long enough to sit down and write her journal or continue a story she knows makes Him happy and she also enjoys soooo much impossible. Last night plagued with this “MONSTER” she could not think clear enough to write as hard as she tried and eventually falling asleep on the couch only to be woken up with her alarm screeching and the sound of her computer hitting the tile floor harshly, as it sat on her lap when she had fallen asleep and just adding to her anger the dent it made on her Mac that took scraping and saving to finally pay off, even worse was the feeling she had failed Him again, afraid to even say good morning to Him even though He has given her breaks when her meds take their toll on her she knows it is not a given He will understand it and be so kind the next time, her fear happening such as this time, she is not angry at Him, she understands her Daddy’s rules, guidelines, tasks and training knowing it is all for her to mold her into the slave He knows she can be. She did not mean to lash out at Him, it hurts her heart knowing she did and that her anger and pain she is sure made Him feel sad and uncomfortable and mad at her.
So here she is two journals behind being punished trying to write an entry with substance and quality, she usually will try to filter her anger in different ways, tend to her garden, feed and talk to her chickens, listen to music, read a book, cook, just sit in her yard with her little dogs watching them frolic and run around happily ::CRYING:: well today none of that could take away her anger seething through her every pore, no filtering it, no escaping it. Most of the time she has been able to filter her pain and anger into something positive unless like she said she does not get a hold of it soon enough and it ends up coming between herself and One she loves and perhaps on those days she should tell those near and dear to her, “Today’s not a good day, so You may not want to be around her” but then she knows as His slave that is not her right nor an option so as she sits here sobbing in anger and pain she is attempting a new way to filter her ugly “MONSTER” did it work, she is not sure, will He be pleased with her entry, she is not sure but it is the best she can do for now and it will have to be enough for her at this point, she will say it has help her destress and hand over the anger and pain to Him and feel gratitude for that through writing….. is she still angry.. yes, does she still hurt..yes but feels better admitting it for once in her lifetime……
Daddy please forgive her for being disrespectful, no excuses, she accepts Your punishment and thanks You for it…..crying
::At Your Feet, head down::